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No one told me… {Preparing to adopt}

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with a friend who had recently received her referral. The first thing she said to me was, “No one told me it would be so hard.” As soon as I heard the words, I realized she was right. Receiving your referral call is amazing, but there is more to it than that. It isn’t something that we talk about much. While it is true that adoption is beautiful, it is also brokenness and each life involved needs redemption. When we first started the adoption process, I thought it was clear cut. There are children who need families and we are a family who want children. What I am learning and accepting is that adoption is deeply complicated. Every person in this world has a story, things happen that are beyond our control, decisions are made, lies are told, truth is told, good intentions, bad intentions, pain, love, selfishness, selflessness. It is complicated.
All those months of waiting, you expect a flood of joy and nothing else on the day you get “the call.” The call makes it all real. No longer are you imagining your child, you can see their beautiful face. With your referral, you will begin to know their story. The same love that fills your heart with joy is the love the breaks your heart for the pain and loss in their little lives. My sweet friend could not bring herself to feel the full measure of joy because her heart was aching with each word she read of her child’s past. Your friends and family who have been waiting with you expect to see you dancing on Cloud 9. You are happy, but you cannot and should not forget the sacrifices, the difficulty that brought this child whose photo you are now staring at, your child, to a place where they needed a family. The pain that they have felt and the pain they will feel as they lose everything that they know in this world to join your family. It is joyful, but it is hard. Change is often hard, even as it is bringing healing. Nothing can prepare you for the moment that you really realize the child you have waited for, prayed for and loved has pain in their hearts, pain that you could not protect them from and pain that will always be a part of their story.
There are many days now that my heart and mind are filled with anguish at the reality that I have the amazing privilege of mothering these two precious lives instead of their mothers a world away. Each day, I get to kiss Maya’s soft cheeks and watch her grow. That is my joy. I love her more than I could have ever imagined. As I kiss her cheeks, I remember the one who brought her into this world and I grieve for her. For all she is missing. I grieve for Maya and the pieces of her life that are missing. One day, we will start having conversations with Maya about how she became our daughter and those conversations will be filled with smiles and tears. Joy and pain. But there is hope. There is a future. As her parents, we will have to walk her through moments of grief and loss along with all the good moments we get to be a part of. I will never understand every piece of her story. I think I am grieving for her now, so that in the future I will be better prepared to grieve with her. For both Alain and Maya, I pray that God will turn their broken pieces into joy and that in Chris and I can be a part of that healing.
As you are waiting, prepare your heart for the complexity of it all. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself or you family to feel any one way or another. Expect to feel a range of emotions both at the time of your referral and when you meet your child. Be encouraged that you aren’t alone.
-Jenn

Psalm 30:11-12:“You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.”

Amy Y. - Jenn,

I deeply appreciate your honesty in exposing the full complexity of adoption. Often, when I tackle yet another chore / document, I am flooded with grief and anger – over my loss, over my future son’s loss, over my frustration with the process to become a family. Your comments in this post have helped to “normalize” the situation, and have allowed me to give myself “permission” to feel whatever I am feeling without judgement. I found these comments especially profound and helpful: “I think I am grieving for her now, so that in the future I will be better prepared to grieve with her” and “As you are waiting, prepare your heart for the complexity of it all. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself or you family to feel any one way or another. Expect to feel a range of emotions both at the time of your referral and when you meet your child.”

Amber - Exactly what I’ve been feeling since we announced our plans to adopt. On one hand I’m so excited for this addition to our family, but on the other hand I wish there were no orphans, that every child could live happily ever after with their birth parents. But that’s not the reality of the world we live in. We may never understand the pain and sorrow of this world, but it’s all in God’s plan.

Tammia - Thank you for sharing this truth about adoption. A friend sent me this link and I appreciate your words & heart. I have to say I was most unprepared for the grief: both my daughter’s and my own. Amen to everything you said.

Shelly Shaw - Thank you for this Jenn, I often struggle (even now, pre-refferal) of the comments I get from people who say. “Oh that child is so lucky/blessed to have you two”. I often think that although the child is indeed truly blessed and loved by God it is through very tough and extremely hard circumstances that this child will come to be “ours”. I cant help but think this child’s life is a picture of the brokenness of sin in our world but their story of redemption is a beautiful picture of the gospel and redemption we have in Christ Jesus. Thanks for your post and helping my husband and I think through this even more and continue to look to and contemplate the sweetness of our Savior! Ephesians 1:5 “In love He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.”

Megan - I read another blog that shared really deeply about this…I can’t remember what blog it was, and I wish I could! Until I had read that blog post, it hadn’t really crossed my mind , and I’m really grateful for people’s honesty talking about it for those of us who are waiting. We pray so hard for our future daughter’s mother and family, and hurt deeply for what they will go through in the next few years. We don’t know that story, but God does. Like you’ve said in another post, I think, one thing that we pray is that if she doesn’t know the Good News, that God would send someone into her life to tell her, and that she would accept it and love Jesus. We want so badly to hug her in Heaven someday and tell her we took good care of her baby.

Cathy - I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. My daughter and son-in-law will soon bring home two precious children who are actually in relatively good situations, considering what it could be. And yet my heart breaks for the grieving they will have to go through to become part of our family. They have no idea that their world is about the change dramatically. They have no way of knowing how long we’ve all waited and how much we’ve loved them from afar. Our love may eventually sooth their sorrow but will never completely cover the scars of their beginnings. I pray we’ll always know how best to walk along side of them in their journey.

Anna - Thank you so much for this post. In the two plus years we have been waiting I have already felt so many mixed emotions. I can’t imagine how many more will come with referral. Praying that God would begin to prepare our hearts now.

andrea - Thank you for this!
We were so surprised that we didn’t much feel like celebrating when we finally got the call… I barely slept at all that night. There’s alot of sadness and the truth is that there’s no easy story that results in adoption. I have been amazed ever since our referral at how happy folks seem to be about their referrals and I was beginning to think that maybe ours was the only sad story or that we were somehow wrong to feel conflicted.

Big Miracle {Free Printable!}

A while back, you know, before I had children to fill my every waking moment, I had time to do crafty things like sew dolls, decorate rooms and design blogs. While we were waiting for our referral, I was in full on nesting mode. I designed a printable for Maya’s room with a quote that I love: “Such a big miracle in such a little girl.” She is our miracle, our life changer, sunshine on a cloudy day and we are so blessed to call her ours. Funny thing is that I still haven’t found the perfect place in her room for it (I have an entire blank wall!), but I wanted to share it with you anyway. Maybe some of you will find a place in your little one’s room for it :) Scroll down below the photos of my sweet girl for free downloads of the print in several colors for girls and boys. The print is cropped to be an 8×10. Print it at home or send it in to your favorite place to get photos printed, frame and enjoy!!
-Jenn

Delonna @ Clothed in Love - I’m all in – just tweeted it too :) Thanks again for the cool printables.

Delonna @ Clothed in Love - You are just amazing. I always enjoy reading your story and sharing your creativity. Pinning it and sharing your link on FB.

Anna - I love these! Thank you so much for sharing. One will definitely be hanging in our little lady’s room!!

Rachel - Love them!!! Thanks so much! Sharing this link on my blog’s facebook page!! https://www.facebook.com/thejustliveblog?ref=hl

Our Happy Saturdays.

Life when you first come home with your child is CRAZY! Everyone is trying to find a new routine, sleep is not consistent and all things are new. Then one day, things settle down. Life is still crazy, but it is YOUR crazy beautiful life. I have moments when I just stare at Maya in pure amazement – that she is here, that she is so very beautiful and smart and funny, that she is ours. Almost two years ago, I posted THIS. Now, she is really here!!! Enjoying our happy Saturdays together. Maya, we love you so much and are so very blessed to be your parents. Happy Saturday from our family to yours!!
-Jenn

Anna - I love the photo of Maya with her Daddy.
And the contrast of the two Saturdays has given me such hope today as we continue to wait. Thanks for sharing!

Megan - So sweet. I love pics of daddies and their girls! That’s neat about posting on those two Saturdays, two years apart.

Hey, I check in here almost every day, but the reason I came by today was to tell you that I’m mentioning you on my blog today for the One Lovely Blog award. I know you’re a more established blogger, but I still wanted to share your blog with my readers, since it’s one of my favorites.

Change is gonna come…

When we applied to adopt, I didn’t understand the statistics. Sure, I read them, but actually understanding what they meant in real life, how the numbers affected individual cases and the children, not really. In 1999, there were 42 adoptions from Ethiopia. In 2010, there were 2,511 adoptions processed (Statistic and other info about Ethiopian adoption, check out this link: US Department of State). I didn’t comprehend what these numbers meant and how they affect the system. The huge increase in adoptions made ensuring that all adoptions are processed ethically much more difficult, especially for a government with limited resources. For those of you starting out with the adoption process, I wanted to give you a break down of changes in the process to help give you a picture of why the wait-times have increased. Waiting isn’t always bad :)
In the early days of international adoption in Ethiopia, your agency was allowed to appear in Ethiopian court on your behalf. Meaning you were legally declared a child’s parent before meeting them. That has changed and here’s why…There were cases where, after meeting the child, adoptive (and already legal) parents decided not to bring the child home. They got scared, changed their mind, who knows. Adoptions in Ethiopia are irreversible, so those children were legally adopted, but with no family to care for them. The point is, the government was forced to add the second trip, in the hopes that children would not be left stranded and un-adoptable.
Rules are broken, so privileges are taken away or regulations become more stringent. In Ethiopian adoption, there were agencies pushing cases that were not by-the-books and adoptive parents not following through, leaving their legally adopted children stuck un-adoptable and without parents. Bending rules and breaking promises lead to more regulations and a slower process. Right now we are in the thick on the consequences of the brokenness and the repair. For all of the children in Ethiopia who truly need family, I pray that there will be restoration.
 Agencies have continued to give “soft referrals” of children whose paperwork has not been verified. Parents lose referrals, request for further evidence are required, cases are even denied. As these cases wave red flags at the Ethiopia government or the US Embassy, changes in the process are necessary. Below is a rough breakdown of the changes in the Ethiopian adoption process over the last 2-3 years.

TIMELINE OF THE CHANGES IN ETHIOPIAN ADOPTIONS
-Families start to adopt from Ethiopia in small numbers per year.
-Ethiopia grows in popularity as a country to adopt from because of a relatively quick and inexpensive process.
-The number of families wanting to adopt from Ethiopia becomes overwhelming to the government
-More and more cases wave red flags to the Ethiopian court. Agencies are pushing questionable cases through. Parents are leaving children in Ethiopia. There is talk of corruption.
-The Ethiopian government begins to change requirements and policies in an attempt to keep international adoption open, but cut down on unethical practices and safe guard the children and birth families.
-The requirement of a second trip is added (Middle of 2010)
-The adoption process as a whole slows down in Ethiopia and the wait list for children (specifically young, healthy children) grows and grows.
-In March of 2011, the Department of State reported that Ethiopia’s Ministry of Women, Children, and Youth Affairs announced that it intended to decrease its processing rate from approximately 50 cases per day to five cases per day. rate from approximately 50 cases per day to five cases per day, effective March 10, 2011.  While Ethiopia did slow down processing for a number of months after the announcement, USCIS understands that Ethiopia has since resumed a rate of adoption case processing similar to before the slow-down. (info from: HERE)
-Also in 2011, a few agencies are put under investigation and cannot process adoption during this time. The Ethiopian government revoked the licenses and closed several orphanages in the Southern Nations State. Further slowing the process.
-Several agencies stop accepting applications for young healthy children because their wait list has become extremely long and the adoption climate in Ethiopia is unsure.
-Towards the end of 2011, a significant number of cases that were deemed not “clearly approvable” are sent to the US Embassy in Nairobi. A statement from the US Embassy about that HERE: “In addition, the Embassy continues to see cases which involve abandoned children but do not include sufficient evidence to document the abandonment and/or evidence of appropriate efforts to locate a child’s birth family. The Embassy also has received evidence of unethical recruitment of children from birth relatives and cases involving known birth parents from whom parental rights have not been severed by the Ethiopian courts.”
-Agencies with less than stellar ethics, keep pushing on. They boast short wait times and young children. Parents caught in long lines, stop and take notice. When things were moving smoothly, the unethical agencies had a shorter wait time, but not much. As the wait time for the more ethical agencies lengthen, the agencies willing to cut corners stand.
-Most recently, the court process has been changed to require an approval letter from MOWCYA (Ministry of Women, Youth and Children Affairs) before giving the adoptive family a court date. When agencies do not do the proper paperwork/investigation of a case, their cases do not always receive this approval letter. Requiring the letter before court, will ensure that families who travel to Ethiopia will have MOWCYA’s approval before meeting their child. This will add a bit of time to the wait for the court date, but is a good step toward better ethics in the process.
-The Ethiopian government and the US Embassy, with stronger regulations, will continue to notice some of the cases without proper verification of orphan status. In the last couple of weeks, several agencies have closed their programs in Ethiopia. Hopefully this is a sign that unethical practices will not be tolerated. The government is working on re-licensing agencies now.

What do all these changes mean? Adoptive parents must be cautious and vigilant in defending the cause of the fatherless. Most importantly, we must be patient. Hopefully, all of these changes will result in a more ethical and streamlined process, but it will take time. Choosing who you trust is so important. For more on choosing an agency, check out this post.
-Jenn

FOR MORE INFORMATION:
From: www.AdoptionInstitute.org
REPORTS OF ABUSES LEAD TO CHANGES IN ETHIOPIA’S ADOPTION PROCESS
“Recent reports of fraud and corruption have caused concern about adoptions from Ethiopia among child welfare organizations and the U.S. State Department, reports Peter Heinlein in a December 14 VOANews.com article titled “Under Pressure, Ethiopia Plans Crackdown on Baby Business.” Earlier in the month, the State Department issued a statement cautioning prospective adoptive parents against “malfeasance and abuse” and announcing delays in the adoption process in an attempt to ensure that all adoptions are ethical and in the best interests of the child. Ethiopian officials report that they will close orphanages that only serve as “transit homes” en route to adoption, and re-accredit all foreign adoption agencies in an effort to impose higher ethical standards. To read the article, go to: http://bit.ly/eWXZWi. To read the State Department notice, go to http://bit.ly/bqj5wI and scroll down to December 6, 2010.”

From: www.voanews.com
“The rapid rise in Ethiopian adoptions has set off alarm bells among children’s lobby groups. The U.S. State Department issued a statement this month expressing concern about reports of adoption-related fraud, malfeasance and abuse in Ethiopia.”

From: Adoption.State.Gov
“Similarly, while it is important to be able to acquire the necessary documentation in any given adoption, it is more important to know how the orphanage comes by this information and how it operates on a daily basis.  If an ASP contributes funds to an orphanage or relies on an affiliate to operate an orphanage on its behalf, the ASP needs to know where that money goes and ensure that it benefits the children.   Moreover, ASPs need to ensure that the documentation about a child presented by an orphanage is a reflection of the true circumstances and not simply a document created to satisfy a request.”

From: MelissaFayGreene.com
“Perhaps because Ethiopia scaled up too quickly, corrupt middlemen entered the scene faster than the Ethiopian government officials were able to ward them off. This has happened previously in Romania, Guatemala, Cambodia, Nepal, Viet Nam, Ukraine — in most countries, really, where tens of thousands of dollars cross international borders in search of healthy babies, especially in search of healthy baby girls. In Ethiopia, the good intentions of many were tarnished by the greed of a few. Hearts were broken, lives were damaged: birth-parents unwittingly gave up their children forever, or adoptive parents fell in love with children not legally free for adoption. Records were falsified; ages were changed; health prospects were fictionalized; living birth-parents were portrayed as deceased; 11-year-olds were presented as 7-year-olds; young children were coached by their elders to lie, in order to facilitate unethical adoptions.”

From: TheAtlantic.com
“Ethiopia’s federal government is working to address problems in the country’s adoption system. But the adoption industry has become so lucrative and so strong, especially in rural parts of the country, that many people who’ve raised questions about the process say they’ve faced intimidation and harassment from the industry.”

Martha - Thank you for such a great and honest post. God bless!

Jenn - Hi Keli :)
Thank you for your comment. I intended on adding links to my sources and other info about the changes, but time got away from me. I have added more links and a section of additional information for you to check out. All of the changes in the Ethiopian adoption process (and there have been many) are a result of the Ethiopian and American government being made aware of fraudulent cases, past and present.
It is unsettling and so very sad, but unfortunately it is true. While I do not believe that every adoption case from agencies with bad reputations are unethical or that every adoption from a “good” agency is ethical, I do believe that potential adoptive parents have a huge responsibility in the adoption process. Researching an agency and then stopping when there are red flags is so important. Listening to other parents when they speak the truth of their cases. There is evidence. There are parents trying to speak out and many of them being threatened by these agencies. I personally have been a part of a conversation the ended with a adoptive parent, who was speaking out about the fraud of their agency, being threatened to the point of removing her posts on a group out of fear of the agency’s retribution.
I truly do not mean to come across harsh, just to shed light on what can happen and to inform potential adoptive parents of the adoption process and the warnings. As Christians, we are called to defend the fatherless and adoption ethics is one area that needs to be held to a very high standard in order to do this. When we began our process to adopt, I, too, thought that there were 4 million orphans in Ethiopia who were legally adoptable and in need of a family. However, those statistics include single and double orphans. Most of the children counted in those statistics have a parent living and of those who do not, many have extended family to care for them. Many, if not most, of the children living in orphanages are not orphans as we think of them. In countries where there is not social welfare systems, parents often use orphanages as a temporary place to them in a tough time. They want their children to have food and education, but they are not relinquishing their children.
I know that the information is not always easy to come by and that NO adoptive parent has the intention of stealing someone else’s child. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen. I completely understand that the intentions in adopting a child are good and something that God calls families to do. We felt called to adoption. Adoption is beautiful, but it is so complicated. It comes from a place of brokenness. Please, please, do not hear me saying NOT to adopt. My point is that there are so many areas in which unethical practices and fraud can and do creep in. And in Ethiopia, poverty is such a factor. To believe that there is no chance of fraud happening is naive. What I am saying is to walk into the adoption process with eyes wide open, willing to wait if it is necessary for an ethical adoption and desperate to fight for the right of the children and their birth families.

Emily Sikes - Great post. Thanks.

Keli - I was just wondering where you’ve gotten all of these statistics. Having recently adopted with a small agency (with a short wait time), I find it somewhat confusing why they’d be considered unethical. The reason I question this is because, first, our daughter sat in an orphanage for over three years waiting for a family. And, secondly, we had to go through the same investigations (Ethiopia’s and the US Embassy’s)as my friends who’ve adopted with different agencies.
I’ve read a few of your posts on this subject and it is a bit unsettling. It reads with an undercurrent of judgement and accusation, especially with the topic of small agencies, unrelated multiples, infants, etc.
If there is something unethical happening, by all means, YES, I hope that our agency (and anyone else involved with unethical practice) is discovered and shut down. However, until evidence suggests otherwise, I believe, in a country with more than 4 million orphans, placing orphans (with as much certainty as possible that they are in fact orphans), as quickly as possible is best for not only the waiting families, but also the adopted children.
As a fellow sister in Christ, I just wanted to let you know that regardless of what agency a family chooses, we are all doing this because it is what we feel God has called us to do. And, it truly saddens me to read these blogs and feel instantly accused of doing something wrong, when by God’s grace, something so miraculous has happened to our family and all of the families we came to know and love who adopted through our small agency at the same time as us, many of whom adopted infants, unrelated siblings, etc.

Megan - It’s all a little overwhelming, isn’t it? It’s hard for me not to feel anxious about something going wrong during our adoption…but I know it’s just my job to be prayerful and patient. I do have confidence that our agency (AWAA) is ethical, so that helps to ease my mind.

Where do you get all of this info? I don’t really even know where to begin?

Where did you get that shirt?!

Quite often, I get asked where we purchased some of the shirts you see us wearing. We have a few favorites, so I thought I’d let you in on what we are wearing and where we got them :)
-Jenn

Alain’s all time FAVORITE shirt. Purchased here.
I bought this one for Alain this past Christmas. You can get your own here.
This shirt is from Live to Love apparel. Alain has this one and another and I have three myself. They are so cute. You can check them out here.
And my new favorite shirt. This is the first one I put on after the laundry is finished. It is so comfy and cute. LOVE. Get one here.

And Chris’ favorite. He used to LIVE in this shirt. In fact, he has two :) Buy one here.

Megan - I love those! I may need “every heart needs a home.” I got the Give1Save1 Africa shirt a couple of weeks ago – they run small, but fit really cute. I also got a (red) shirt last week – it fits true to size and is nice and long. I love it.

Have you ever been to Union28.net? They have really fun marriage shirts – fit cute (run small), and super comfy. I have a couple of them, and get lots of comments. :)

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